Parking Lot 21

It dont make sense

2011-12-24T12:09:00.000-08:00

After bajillion years of selfreflection, i still cant figure shit out. How do ppl get things right? Trim the excess, and keep whats your's yours. How do you even know whats yours?

Im just gona blame this on the effin race that i was born into, and the friggin lame mentality that they choose to live on to.

Be real, and trust that someone, even one person can appreciate that.

I am that

2011-03-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

i'm on 15, going on 16

2011-03-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

16 years old. Do you remember how it was? Those years of rebellion, rebelling against anything, against everything.

Tell me you recall being steadfast and convinced of your ideals, of yourself, only to eventually allow the very ground you stood so firm upon to get pulled from right under your superficially firm feet.

I remember it all. 9 years later, I stand upon the same shaky ground. Sure of nothing, but sure that I don't want it all.

This kid here, zoo kid. If I was 16, I would want to be him.

But we always want to be someone else, be it in retrospect, present or in the future.

2011-03-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

How long has it been? Who's counting?
Convenient explanation = lack of inspiration. It would be a stark untruth to say succumb to the typical excuse of ‘nothing has been going on in my life’. Mary, mary, quite contrary. Too much has been going on in my life. Dare I even articulate it? No, I daren’t, Instead, I’ll share various tracks which i have ever so indulgently overplayed in the past 3 months.

I will begin with Nicholas Jaar. LEGEND.

Here we go. Enjoy, lovelies.

2011-03-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

After 25 years of living, breathing, and not wanting to be here, i realized, life is friggin unfair.

U get your dream bag but not your dream boy. And we all know dream boy >>>>>> dream bag.

Sigh, life.

terrible love

2010-05-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ahh finally,

new music

what is estuary?

and very random purchase

This week isnt that bad after all.

I have to lose my idols to find my voice..

2010-04-21T12:03:00.000-07:00

And so it happened. Voxtrot disbanded. I am silenced by sadness. The trepanation party is over, everyone exits -shoulders drooped, eyes to the floor. R.I.P. greatness.

Ramesh wrote:

The career path of Voxtrot was truly one of long, simmering build, explosion, and almost instantaneous decay. Slowly, I am learning to replace any feelings of regret with positive memories of how amazing the whole thing was, and how it has, in an unexpected way, fortified my character.

Making great art requires one to be fearless, and sometimes I've given too much energy to fear. Whenever I read an interview in which a band
claims they are going to return to the sound of their earlier, more popular work, a small part of me aches for them. It doesn't work like that-the popularity of the earlier work is based upon the sense of newness felt by the musicians at the time of creation. So, how to get back the newness…?

Approximately eight months ago, I spoke to my friend Simon and indicated that I was ready to give up on music, or at least leave it for the indefinite future, but he reminded me that you can't dedicate yourself to another job or a degree, or some other distraction just because you've got nothing else going-if you have the feeling that you were born to do something, you've got to follow that feeling.

As he told me, "Do it because you love music. Do it with passion."

And so I did what I had to do. I swallowed my pride and got two jobs, one of which involved clearing the dishes of the filthy-and-not-so-pleasant-rich, and while this sudden change in lifestyle was not altogether ideal, I was constantly aware that I was building towards something.

For me, the most important thing in life is leaving behind something beautiful, something that finds its way into the lives of strangers, and forever alters them in a positive manner. Sometimes, being able to do this means that you have to work the shitty job and serve bread to rich idiots, but whatever, it's better than just cashing in your chips and spending the rest of your life wondering, "what if…?"

In the end, I've come to realize that there really isn't any cause for disappointment. The fact is, the songs still exist, and the music of Voxtrot lives on as a sovereign entity which, outside of all criticism, positive or negative, belongs to the guys and me, and to everybody who ever loved it or believed. Taking into account every person I've met, every place I have visited, every emotional exchange I have ever had with a listener, there is absolutely no room for regret.

In fact, the other day, I was thinking about it in the shower and decided that my situation was analogous to Peter Falk's glass eye. You probably don't know this, but I am a massive fan of Columbo-it is the only detective show in which there is no mystery, thus the entire reason you watch it is because you just love him (Falk) so much. It is a true testament to the power of a strong character. Anyway, when Peter Falk was five years old, one of his eyes had to be removed, due to a malignant tumor. Obviously, this is bad, BUT, had it not happened, he would never have developed his signature stare, which, let's face it, accounts for at least a small percentage of his overall appeal. Whatever I create from this point on, I will only create because of everything, good or bad, that has happened thus far.

Being in Voxtrot has been wonderful and amazing, but it is only one chapter in the book...

When I was in high school, I was a great fan of the Scottish band, Travis, and I have always harbored a secret desire to meet the band's frontman, Fran Healy. Not so long ago, at my friend Lucy's studio in Berlin, I had the fortunate experience of doing just this. He was buying a painting of hers, and we spent about three hours conversing. Eventually, our conversation drifted towards the ebb and flow of our respective careers, as well as the anger that comes with not knowing how to pull oneself out of a creative rut. Obviously, our two careers have been on different scales, but nonetheless, the associated concepts are universal. At the end of the conversation, he said to me, "You can't to keep writing the same song. You have to throw away the map. AND you have to keep creating, even if it goes nowhere for a while, you have to always keep creating… and it'll be great."

And he's right. I must leave again-take a risk, do something radical, but in order to do that, I need closure. This is not to say that Voxtrot will never play again, and certainly, if Voxtrot has never been to your country (or continent) we are open to ideas, but for all intents and purposes, this series of live shows will be the last.

Part of doing something with love is being able to say "goodbye" at the right time. Thank you for everything. On to the next one...

Love,
Ramesh

?

2010-04-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

....im losing hope, what else is new. future is as bleak as my beach body 2010. NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

yeah stop complaining.

what will spring bring?

2010-04-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

spitting clouds, which a shy sun hides behind. with all its might, it tries to sustain winters chilly winds. its time to let go, spring. let go, let go, let go.

Wednesday The Third

2010-03-03T02:54:00.000-08:00

seventeen years old. divine whines coloured my post-curfew hours with the warmest hues of disappointment, rejection and general teenage rebellion. in reverie, 2003.

the coming of age

2010-03-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

not so long ago they lured us in with their choppy math rock riffs. upon their return, they are barely recognisable. they seem to have traded in the shock effect for mild, mellow serenity. this is understated, this is haunting. just the way i like it.one more to add to the soundtrack of an endless brutal winter.

(its good to know that i'm not the only one who has aged about a decade in a year.)

do u want it all?

2010-02-20T06:14:00.000-08:00

i like this

and

i just want to dance tonight and forget about everythiiiiiiiiiiiiing. except i have to find a place to go, ask someone to come with me, find a place to stay for the night, and urgh worst part; driving.

only to know it would suck anyway (u know why)

so much effort for nothing.

Silence Suits You

2010-01-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

You know you’ve suffered substandard company when you can compile a list of quotes like this one... (substandard being my chosen euphemism for stupid).

7. ‘I really like that song New Shoes by Pablo Nutini.’

6. ‘I wanted to ask you in my text if you went to buy pyjamas but I don’t know how to spell it.’

5. ‘I really want to join the Hare Krishnas. What are they?’

4. Upon being asked about his brothers’ middle names. ‘I always get confused which belongs to whom.’

3. Upon being asked how to spell his middle name. ‘Hold on. Let me check.’ Reaches for ID.

2. ‘Is the band called Friend EP or Grizzly Bear?’

[WAIT FOR IT..]

1. ‘Who’s Buddha again?’

Of course my patience ran out. Of course I let it show. And so, he said:
‘Don’t talk to me like I’m thick.’

Right.

2010 take on life

2010-01-10T05:36:00.000-08:00

Like.

live and learn ?

2010-01-07T07:56:00.001-08:00

amongst the things i really want to learn is how to blink like this :

believe me, i've tried. a friend of mine mastered the art many years ago. pure talent.

the end is the beginning is the end

2010-01-01T06:51:00.000-08:00

2009 is finally over. Cue huge sigh of relief. Happy 2010 everyone.

Fitness First

2009-12-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

Grab two girlfriends or flamboyant gayfriends and get in shape for summer with this:

Sweat it out slow.

All I Want For Christmas Is.... ?

2009-12-25T13:02:00.000-08:00

Wow. Two posts in one day. I told you Christmas is always uneventful for me.
I've been thinking of the gifts I would have liked to receive today. My mother usually makes me choose my own birthday gift (alongside other gifts which she posts to me because I'm always, always away from home). She knows how fussy I am. To be honest, the best non self-picked gifts I have received are from Hat. Tis true. But ah, I digress.

Funny how at the end of 2009, it has become apparent to me that my list of 'wants' has shrunk considerably. So, my Noel list is short and sickly sweet. Here we go:

1. Home. I want to go home, even if it's just for a day. I miss the comfort of my mother, brother and my dearest friends. I miss the sticky humidity, my cats, the leisure of never having to do any house work. I miss the countless nights with my closest friends, which would end just before dawn at some random greasy food joint..with iced lemon tea served in the most unhygienic manner but more importantly- every night concluded with smiles plastered all round.

2. Okay, if home doesn't work out, I want Hat to live with me here again. Actually, this tops my list.

3. A cat. A cute, congenial, fluffy one. Preferably black with green eyes.

4. Jellybones reciprocity. Only hat will understand this.

5. Good grades and a good job here next year.

Too bad you can't box and wrap up most of these things. Too bad I didn't get any. Oh, well.

Merry merry.

25:12

2009-12-25T04:14:00.000-08:00

Christmas morning...

has never meant much to me.Red stockings, tinsel and tassel, eggnog, mistletoe, mince pies, mulled wine. These things never furbished my December days.

Merriment is supposed to lace the air but when I gazed out of my window this morning, the streets were stripped bare of people. Fog engulfed buildings in the near distance. And even now, inching in closer towards the PM, not a sound is heard. Cheer is trapped indoors today, where the doors are locked by the warmth of familial love. Must be nice.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Post-vain

2009-12-16T05:14:00.001-08:00

During one of the many long nights I have spent with a person who has somehow become consistent nightly company for me, I was asked a terribly common question : How would you describe yourself?

I honestly couldn't answer the question. I think in my time alone coupled with time spent with such a diverse range of individuals with different upbringings, ideologies, interests and principles has resulted only in the confusion (or worse yet the decadence) of any sense of a core personality. So, who am I? I'm a million different people; who ever you want me to be; who ever I need to be at any given time.

In the spirit of reciprocity and conversation, I asked him to describe himself. He said : post-vain, unhappy, different. Hardly helpful.. apart from the first description, the others are too broad to warrant meaning one should identify with so specifically. I had never heard the term 'post-vain', so I probed. He told me that in his younger days, he was unacceptably vain- spent too much time getting ready, wore the right clothes, charmed girls effortlessly, took it to heart when strangers on the street did not notice him..that sort of male vanity which makes you sick in your mouth. He then went on to say that he's moved on from those days. To be fair, it would appear that he was being honest because if you saw him, you would think there really is little, if any, pride attached to his appearance..I always hate what he's wearing. Almost ironically, this also makes me a bit sick in my mouth. He said 'post-vain' is when you've had enough of worldly beauty- you realise that you've been trying so hard to impress others with your physical appearance that you become less and less comfortable in your own skin. So he succumbed to the rebellious 16 year old solution (only 10 years too late), by cursing society and conformity. By becoming his own person, dressing the way he likes, and learning to not let his degree of attractiveness to the rest of the world affect him.

Utter. BULLSHIT. It couldn't be more obvious to my eyes that he's making a conscious effort to physically emulate Brandon Boyd. Yeah, you're about a decade and a bit too late, honey.

The moral of the story is : never describe yourself to anyone. Suspicion and cynicism are ripe in our time and age.

Who believes in fate?

2009-12-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

I'm wary of it. To me it's something of an indefinable deceptive force, which we succumb to when we stumble upon intriguing coincidences, which we then find ourselves wanting to attach some meaning of 'higher order' to...the word 'fate' being the most convenient. Blasphemous, I know. Blame it on life experience. Skepticism renews itself on a monthly basis here, with a more pointed prong. It shreds all romanticism, the concept of fate included.

I was at a point in life where I had given up hope on not only love, but sadly enough, even companionship. I had resigned to the nightly inevitability of retiring to an empty bed. And then everything changed. My advice to you is : always have enough cigarettes on you so that you don't end up being a complete tramp by asking the person sitting closest to the door if you could have a cigarette.

two thousand and dead

2009-12-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

december is here and 2009 will come to an end. its been an ok year. nothing stimulating nothing exciting nothing to reminisce about. i just want it to be over quicker. the end of the year comes with another pointless, repeated new year's resolutions and i only have two; to be less like me (positive/motivated/less judgmental/livelier) and to go away alone anywhere if only for a week.

actually i feel bad for saying this year has been void of memorable moments. there are loads im sure but just like pictures i hate looking back and remind myself of things that have happened. and isnt it human nature to not remember the good things and only dwell on the bad stuff (or only us?). that is why i prefer looking forward than thinking about the past. ahh see positivity! im already starting my resolution.

p/s: i wish that certain people dont talk to me about their love life because ... i dont give a fuck (even if we're family). and i never know what/how to reply because im afraid i will offend them if i ask too much or too little. i also feel like they're trying to validate their love life by telling other people (always me). its strange how they never want to make conversations when they dont have a lovelife. i feel so ... used. bah no its not directed to anyone close to me, clearly.

the forever song,

xx,
hat

What Went Wrong

2009-11-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

And so, after several months of experimenting with fleeting relief outlets, she decided that the remedy to her woes did not lurk amongst the rickety company of forgotten acquaintances, nor did it lurk in the deceptively intriguing nightlife offered by public houses and discotheques.

Her endeavours had only served to sharpen her dismay, and to enable a brand new, heightened sense of disillusionment with life. Former optimistic prospects of happiness withered away with the leaves of Autumn, as winter bustled in and froze her face, fingers and heart until she could feel nothing at all.

True, she had met a considerable number of former strangers. They had failed to survive the bridge to friendship and remained stranded in the negligible, unfortunate pool of acquaintances. She had failed to see any real potential of sincere friendship amongst all of the faces her tired eyes met with. Granted, this may be a fault of her own- she had grown exceedingly wary of people and could not trust them-especially new faces. She justified this with the common logic that precautions are needed to avoid future hurt and harm. Like a true chameleon, she slipped in and out of a myriad of personalities to better suit her designated company, losing more and more of herself as she shape-shifted.

As she recollected the disgraceful and atrociously futile events that had transpired in the past, she realised that what she needed was exactly that which she could not ever possibly locate in all the avenues she had clumsily explored. All that was missing was the comfort and camaraderie of her best friend.

An Old Song

2009-11-28T06:33:00.000-08:00

Six/Seven years down the road and this is still one my favouries. I need to learn to divorce myself from my teenage emo frame of mind.

"Oh, Christ..I'm not that desperate!Oh, no..oh God, I am."

alone alone alone, not alone at all

2009-11-21T13:12:00.000-08:00

life is mundane as shit. nothing exceptional will ever happen to me. nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

weekend getaway

2009-11-21T03:04:00.000-08:00

Friday night has come and gone. I spent mine watching half of Old Boy (upon a friend's insistence. gave up half way through. it just failed to amuse me in the way it has managed to amuse almost everyone else who has watched it). I then attempted to watch another film, Factotum, which also turned out to be equally as dire. Factotum, without a doubt, is the most mundane, soulless film I have ever sat through. I would have been better off observing the fine lines that decorate the white walls of my apartment. Following the bleakness of the 'events' that had unfolded, I decided to go to bed at 10pm. I think it was a great idea. I got approximately 12 hours of sleep, woke up completely refreshed...only to realise that this city has nothing to offer me. And so, as I did last week, I will board a train to London in a vain attempt to reestablish some form of social life. Wish me luck. I need all I can get-it never works out well. Often, upon return, I am left with thoughts of regret and disappointment. It is far too embarrassing and painful to retell. Well, in other news, I have done something which is totally uncharacteristic of me- I just asked a boy out. I have not yet received a reply but us girls have woman's intuition, which essentially tells me it will be of the negative. I tried, what can I say..we need to get by, don't we? Bah, most of the time, I am just looking for a shoulder to rest my head on. Then again, aren't we all, my lovelies?

Here's to hopes of good responses and of course, a good weekend.

Love,
sciolizm

Little thoughts..

2009-11-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

do you ever watch films and find yourself completely absorbed in them-it could be anything, the plot, a certain character ..it's like something in the screen jumps out and grabs your psyche. if the human race is anything at all like me, i'd say it holds a feeble and clumsy disposition...full of inhibitions, lacking courage, yearning for something, anything to identify with-even if it means fictional technicoloured two dimensional characters. bah. it happens to me a lot but one of the films that really struck the right chord with me was Girl, Interrupted. so here, i can relate:

For every boy I've ever loved

2009-11-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

For the purpose of this post I am using the word with unwarranted, inappropriate liberty. In all honesty, I have never loved most of them. Hindsight tells me that these are my major mistakes. I have truly loved only twice in my life and I can say unequivocally that I have used up the necessary emotion to enable a re-ignition of the feeling hereon. So I will summarise my long list of lustful endeavours by song(s), rather than by name. It just makes it that much more mysterious. But having said that, if any of them ever do so unfortunately stumble upon this blog, they will recognise their musical identity immediately. I just think it's kind of fun (sad times, sciolizm) . And i'm also bored out of my little mind. So anyway, here we go:

1. BON JOVI- ALWAYS. My first crush: I was 9, he was 12. laugh your heart out. i bumped into him again when i was 14. he got deported from Philly because he was caught in possession of alcohol when he was 17. still absolutely gorgeous nonetheless.

2.OUR LADY PEACE- ARE YOU SAD?; DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL- AGAIN I GO UNNOTICED My second major crush. at the time, his girlfriend shared the same name as me. i was 'taking' to him online once when i was at my grandma's. he insisted on coming over and asked if he could get cookies. i was 13...14.. this crush lasted for ages because i was shallow at the time and he looked like Conner from Sweet Valley High. adolescent lust. so pure, so embarrassing. he never came over, i was dorky and awkward- he laughed about me with his friends. i bumped into him last year, he tried to kiss me. i slapped him. don't you love it when the tables turn?

3. SMASHING PUMPKINS- MAYONAISE. i love this boy to death. we are still friends. i would like to say good friends but i put so little effort into the friendship. he's pretty persistent. he listens to me, he makes me laugh endlessly. he's the most talented musician i have met in my life. he would be so much further in life if he only didn't get so distracted by the drinking, the drugs, the problems. what can i say? we're all human. i actually really do love him, as a friend, how awful.

4. RADIOHEAD- HIGH & DRY; THE USED- ON MY OWN; TEAMSLEEP/DEFTONES- anything at all. at the time, i felt like he was my first love. typically, he was about 3 years older than me. he was intelligent (deception, deception!), caring, talented, modest, quite cute. i was 16, naive at best. he led me on, broke my heart, denied it, got me into trouble with his girlfriend, etc. you know how it works. i heard that he packed on plenty of pounds recently so i'm feeling pretty much triumphant. in retrospect, i probably was in love with him.

5. HOPESFALL- THE BENDING. hardcore emo? you bet. this guy is married now. he was one of the most beautiful boys i had ever laid my eyes on. i was 17. he was 23. there was no chemistry. we ended up being friends on the most perverted level. he told me was a sex addict, needed help. i stopped talking to him. interestingly enough, he got fat as well.

6. This is a mini mixed tape. JACK'S MANNEQUIN- THE MIXED TAPE, anything by the MOVING UNITS, THE VELVET TEEN- STAY WITH ME, THE JULIANA THEORY- DON'T PUSH LOVE AWAY, ATHLETE-TOURIST, BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE- PITTER PATTER GOES MY HEART, COPELAND- TAKE CARE, ETC ETC ETC. my first real boyfriend. he was a pathological liar. i speak the truth. i was in love with him but he was too far away. we had a sprint of a relationship when we were 16. it lasted a month. rekindled when we were 19. lasted a year and a half. the distance and lies shred the love sharper than knives. disappointing. lying aside, the chemistry remains unparalleled. strange.

7. Oh, dear. I really loved this one. As Gwen sang, 'not only in love, i was obsessed..'..Our soundtrack would definitely include: FEIST-INTUITION, LALI PUNA- TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS, AZURE RAY- RISE, DAFT PUNK-SOMETHING ABOUT US, BEE GEES- HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE, M83- SKIN OF THE NIGHT. there are so many other songs and yet nothing more i'd actually be comfortable enough to share.

8. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND- SHE DROVE ME TO DAYTIME TV. That song isn't even appropriate. What can I say about this boy? Best looking boy on this list. Lived in England his whole life but is obsessed with China. Speaks Chinese. Is completely endearing. Used to send me messages telling me that he likes me, that he wants to see me. It never happened. I had hopes which eventually transformed into cynicism..can't say that I care about him at all anymore.

9. Strangely enough, Bon Jovi- Always.more importantly, THE WEAKERTHANS- PSLAMS FOR THE ELKS LODGE'S LAST; MIDLAKE - YOUNG BRIDE; I LOVE YOU BUT I'VE CHOSEN DARKNESS- YOUR WORST IS THE BEST; THE KILLERS- MR BRIGHTSIDE(JACQUES LU CONT REMIX). I was selflessly 'in love' with this one. I kind of changed my lifestyle for him-which he never knew..but he was too old, had too much experience for me to trust.

10. KINGS OF LEON- SEX ON FIRE, SLOW NIGHT/SO LONG, USE SOMEBODY. This boy. He's my age but he always seemed so much older on the one hand but on the other, he was the most childish junkie you would ever meet in your life. i'm not sure if he was ever aware that i had a irremovable soft spot for him, or if he was completely aware of it and decided to take full advantage of it. unilateral OVERWHELMING magnetic physical attraction. whatever. whilst everyone else at my university thought he was disgusting and dirty ( he didn't even go to my university..or any university!), i maintain that he was really, REALLY good company and charming..and oh so endearing. perhaps i give people the benefit of the doubt more than i should. although he pretty much treated me like a rotting door mat most of the time (apart from supplying cigarettes, umpteen bottles of wine, pizza on various occasions).. i miss him a lot, i do.. and wish we could just lay on our respective couches and watch dvds again.he's moved away now, as have i. i told him that i missed his company and he replied 'DITTO'. yes, cavalier is dead. or maybe i'm just attracted to top notch assholes.

11. RYAN ADAMS- LET IT RIDE
. if you are ever lucky enough to meet him, you will agree with me on the point that he is..STELLAR. he looks just like Paolo Nutini, only shamefully shorter but..prettier! he was such a darling. i think he wrote me songs, which i thought was cute and young...okay he was young. pedophilia begins!! we kept in touch for a couple of months, then he vapourised. as. per. fucking. usual. he had an amazing voice though. he was my peter pan and i was his wendy, how fucking cute. too ephemeral. i roll my eyes at the very thought these days.

12. I definitely saved the best for last. I developed this crush in my first year of university.. I have graduated now. I'm undertaking a post-graduate course in a different city now.. I haven't seen him for 1 year and 6 months.. and I still think about him a lot. fear not, it has not been constant.i'm not that loyal or.. pathetic(i hope).it's only when we are 'in contact' *god bless facebook*. needless to say, he has treated me worse than all the boys above combined and multiplied. yes, it does not make any sense. he makes me wish more than i should that attraction was more mutual than it was complicated and nonreciprocal..sad story of my life, you've heard it one too many times. he intrigues me. i think he is awkward, uncomfortable in his own skin..but he masks it well with callous arrogance. difficult to figure out. impenetrable. most of the time i think he was born without a heart, without the ability to feel anything. but that's just me being selfish and stupid-of course he feels..just not for me! unrequited lust, over and over and over again. well, how could i not fall head over heels for this boy...this is a selection of my favourite melodies (from the musical myriad we have shared):

anything by VOXTROT..its a mutual obsession; WILCO-JESUS,ETC; THE SMITHS- ASLEEP; MY BLOODY VALENTINE- I ONLY SAID; SONIC YOUTH- SHADOW OF A DOUBT; WASHED OUT-FEEL IT ALL AROUND; GRIZZLY BEAR-COLORADO...but most importantly:

THE UNICORNS- JELLYBONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bah..

to conclude,

i'm pretty unfortunate in this division. stubbornly cynical at best.....i lie. hopeless romantic to the core if you break the wall..which explains why i love this endlessly:

Xxx

sciolizm

XO

sciozlim

DESPERATE

2009-11-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

i will let u know when im on 'our' island

the best thing about yesterday

2009-11-12T06:53:00.001-08:00

i was introduced to this:

you have to listen to it twice at least..please! have i completely lost it or is this actually pretty fucking infectious?

behind my gameboy i got game, girl!

empty rant, empty remedy

2009-11-11T14:11:00.000-08:00

in the year 2009, i turned 23. 23 is a pretty insignificant age to be if you ask me.all that the number 23 tells you is that you're getting older and that there is really nothing you can do about it. thus, i entered the age, as i did 22...equipped with a steel walled heart and a soul full of pessimism. granted, i recognise that the order of frivolous youth has long been cast away but foolishly, i still yearn for it in silence..

shameful.

with age comes responsibility, this does not mix well with my peter pan complex.. so i sit and think, and think, and think.over-analysing everything.what's most frustrating is the absence of any real conclusion.and so, i was told that this is the only known cure:

funny how i've always loved it but never admitted it.

An Alternative Outlet

2009-11-09T14:56:00.000-08:00

Well I usually share the songs I've been listening to excessively/quarter life crisis anthems with a specific person (Re kissing in the rain, my bloody valentine). Two songs in one night might be a bit much, a bit too obvious, so I'm just going to have to share this with the rest of you. This song creeped up on me, wholly unexpectedly. I never bothered to listen to Pedro the Lion because (forgive my judgmental disposion..or rather, my pure ignorance) but..their name just managed to somehow form far too great an obstacle for me to ever think that their music could be even marginally worth a listen. Anyway, as I was sorting out my whites(laundry, that is) tonight..my ipod decide to surprise me. It was on the 'Recently Played' playlist and I swear, for the life of me, I have never ever deliberately put on Pedro the Lion. Anyway, this song came on. The lyrics held such accurate resonance with my life that I decided, without a doubt, that my Ipod had conspired against me, in a conscious effort to make me appreciate what is a pretty much obsolete band..or song at least. I will stop talking now. Enjoy:

good night.
Xx

Teach me FRUGALITY

2009-11-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

High up on the long, long list of my bad habits is my inability to save money. The art of frugality, come to me! I tend to forget that I am a student and that I do, as a fact, live on a pretty tight budget. When I think back about all the things I've bought over the past 2 months or so, I get really panicky- I want to return everything and feel responsible and richer again. But no, that will not happen. So, instead, definitely not to brag or boast but rather to help you understand my acute problem and to help remind me that I really should stop shopping, here are a few pictures of my favourite recent purchases. Note that I said favourite..of course there's far more than I care to share...and it does not include all the books, dvds and albums I've bought... Let the panic attack begin!

The pictures had a very logical order to them, but I messed it up terribly so here they are, in no particular order. ugh.

One of My school bags. The other one is a mini suitcase. I swear.

I don't even know who made this but I love it and am never taking it off. I bought it at Selfridges and it half explains why I'm broke.

All Saints Motorcycle boots. I wear these to class almost everyday. My best friend in school hates them because he used to be in the army.

Evil Eye? Blue Topaz necklace from Pascal. I never take this off.

Another very recent purchase from Selfridges. This is by Vadi Jewels. The silver chain is pleated with a dark purple and navy blue velvet string. I love it. It wasn't that expensive either.

Black Acne asymmetrical dress with a slight ruffly detail on the side. I bought this out of pure desperation when I had to attend a dining session at my Inn. Don't ask.

I've worn this at least 5 times since I've bought it. Almost more than I've worn most of my other clothes. It's one of my favourite pieces. Thank you, Christopher Kane for creating something within my price range.

Everyone loves this ring. It's from Marc by Marc Jacobs. It's becoming increasingly tarnished. I wear it less now.

Again, I had to buy these for some law-related event. I needed a pair of 'proper court shoes' and thought I'd splurge. Little did I know that I'd end up with my heel stuck in one of those tiny holed drainage tiles they have in London..and so the patent on the heel is pretty much ruined. Ugh. The trials and tribulations of sciolizm.

Cheap Monday is fun. And yes, I rarely wear anything other than black. I should work at People's Revolution. I wish.

I don't like this dress anymore. I don't think I will wear it. I am not sure why I uploaded a picture of it. Christopher Kane for Topshop. Meh.

This is the one and only clock I have in my apartment. I got it from Urban Outfitters. Two days after I bought it, it went on sale. The moral of the story is basically, don't buy £30 clocks which are made out of cardboard.

Designer wine glass. Of course. I can't return it.

This tupperware set is TOO CUTE. I think there are about 4 smaller ones inside it. I've never brought a packed lunch to school though. See, WASTAGE.

Panda showercap. Hat had the shark one. I think I bought it because it reminded me of her.

I talk to this when I take a shower. I wish I was joking.

Over Summer, I became strangely fascinated by Hello Kitty. Thus, I figured the least I could do was have at least one Hello Kitty related item in my house. I ended up with a piggy bank. A Kitty Bank! It was filled with chocolate coins. Isn't that great?

PHOENIX! I went to their gig a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had a ridiculous grin on my face throughout the whole performance.

MEW. I watched them on Tuesday. I cannot even begin to describe how good it was. Celestial vocals, perfect band. I've said this before but I am strangely intrigued by Jonas's fragile stage disposition.

This is by far my favourite and most significant purchase. It's actually my graduation present from my lovely mother. It's a necklace by Ahkah for Kabiri. 14 pretty little diamonds in a row. They sparkle and I smile.

pick me up,please

2009-11-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

u know what sucks after 'diet' and 'dead pet'

fucking insecurities. they creep on you when u least expected and u just feel this emotional bomb and cant do anything but let the devil takes over.

oh maybe thats pms.whatever

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T02:49:00.001-07:00

A million different parties in a million different places, mountains of candy, barrels and barrels of intoxication, an array of different costumes, lit jack o laterns, black and orange...and nothing particularly spooky.

Last year hat and I carved our first pumpkin. It had a crown, it had a name (which I can't recall at all). We placed a scented candle in it because we couldn't find any other candles. Vanilla, I think. This is what it looked like:

We had never attended (or wait, 'been invited to' is probably more accurate) a Halloween party but a couple of hats friends came over to strategically located Flat 5 for a couple of convenient drinks before they headed out. One was dressed as an angel, the other a devil. Hat and I decided to tag along and therefore had to assemble ourselves into relatively 'frightening' characters in approximately 10 minutes. Hat wore this amazing dress (Anna Sui!) and went as a gothic bride, and I went as the eeriest creature in the entertainment industry, Winehouse. The devil used my eyeliner and lipliner to draw and colour in the tattoos, which turned out quite impressive (with, of course, an overtone of hilarity). I think we had a good night out.

Tonight, however, I will stay at home with my scary law books.. lanternless, constumeless, candyless. I can't say with certainty that I mind though. Happy Halloween to the rest of yous anyway.

Ignore the video, enjoy the song.

Private Grandeur

2009-10-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

I listen to this a lot when I am on my own. It makes the world seem so negligible by coaxing my self-consciousness into (fleeting) Fuck You confidence. Enjoy.

wow, this version is really quite insulting. it does no justice to what i just wrote. i can't find the album version. sorry.

Boys, etc

2009-10-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

I think I’m obliquely self-obsessed. I’m uncomfortably fond of a boy who I think, in a lot of ways, is a lot like me. Loyalty is another problem -I need to get better at forgetting antiquated, tarnished crushes. This crush went sour a long time ago but I guess it wasn’t enough to shake me. So for now, I’ll just sit by my delusional self, and envisage kissing in the rain with My Bloody Valentine playing in the background, feeling absolutely infinite. And there it is, my biggest problem – being disturbingly, pathetically delusional.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

2009-10-26T08:11:00.001-07:00

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.

time to forget about it

2009-10-23T03:37:00.001-07:00

to forget about work, that is.
because
consolidation week is here!(crowd goes wild)

it's Friday today and in the spirit of my non-existent social life, i will be staying in. but tomorrow night will be different. it will be great. it will be PHOENIX WOLFGANG AMADEUS! the last time i got this excited for a gig it was when hat and i were going to see m83. i'm sure phoenix won't let me down- i don't see how they could.

and on Sunday, i think i will be making my way back to the birthplace of Flat 5- Leamington Spa. i will return with due hesitance. a lot of memories, a lot of faces i'd rather not see. standard. but anyway, i'm going to check out these boys(see video below), who are Leamy homeboys according to a friend of mine (who, for reasons uncertain, i kind of miss).like it matters. they'll be playing at this bar which was a stones throw from Flat 5. it would be good to still be living there. a lot more convenient than a 40 minute train ride and a 20 minute walk. oh well, it should be better than another night alone at home.

have a good weekend, troops.
Xx

i will always love paolo more

2009-10-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

ipod was on shuffle mode. and this song came on;

ARGH.

Confession #1

2009-10-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

Not the best image, I agree. I adore Freja Beha to tiny uncollectable bits and pieces but bear with me, please.

Due to my pathetic SkyTV subscription, I was forced to watch ‘How To Look Good Naked’ whilst eating dinner. Tuesday night Trash TV at its lowest point. With little else choice, I watched the first ten minutes of the show and began to feel slightly nauseous.

The host of the show said that most women have a distorted body image. I find it hard to reconcile with his submission, seeing how women here (ENGLAND REPRESENTN’!), regardless of shape/size, go out half naked on their nights out about town. The sight: Nasty.

Anyhow, it’s more than a bit worrying to think that most of us mortal females loathe the way we look and I have always been far from ready to accept this as a truth. I guess I never fully appreciated it but, after watching ten minutes of the show, I’m inclined to believe that a lot of us girls have an issue or two with the dreadful mirror. Yes, I am the ultimate sucker.

Hmmm, I’m sure you’re expecting me to take things more personally.I will oblige.
I stand taller than most girls and a lot of people have told me that ‘it’s a good thing’. As much as I’ve tired, I honestly do not see it that way. I’m less than half an inch away from 5’11, which means that wearing heels brings will translate my usual form to that of the BFG. Not pretty. To give you an insight on my ‘great heights’, the least I can say is that most guys are shorter than me and that as the feeble other sex, they would not want to date a girl who towers over them. Boo fucking hoo.

Second, my BMI of 16.5 tells me that I am underweight. Do I believe it? Hell no. Given the choice, if it did not require starving myself to death, my personal ‘ultimate’ BMI would be...(drum roll, please) fourteen point two. Yes, 14.2. No, I am not anorexic. All of my friends will tell you that one of the very few things I’m impeccably talented at is eating more than a girl should. In spite of this baffling tug of war game, I have, at the very least on a personal level, come to realise what the problem is. The girls who stand at my height that I find attractive, are obviously drop dead gorgeous models. It is not great. I am unsure as to when it happened but, somewhere, somehow, I decided that I should morph, in as many ways as possible, into what THEY look like. I have never fully welcomed this conception (perhaps in self-denial) but as ugly as it is, it’s the truth.

On this note, there are a few things that should be pointed out (and I will sigh in relief if some of you agree with me):

1. I think mirrors are a generally a massive let down. Thus, I get a bit nervous when I look into one.

2. When people tell me I’m thin, I honestly think ‘you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.’

Based on these two very simple points, the most straightforward conclusion you could draw is
Thinner= happier i.e. end of body image issues

WRONG!

Trust me, girls. Once you’re pretty much as thin as you can get, you will move on to other things to scrutinize. Typically, the most palpable victim will be your face. For me, its the easiest place to target flaws. You compare images of what you think is attractive to that of yourself and think, ‘Fuck, I’ve totally missed the mark.’ I am unsure as to how to reconcile with this, but I have grasped its mechanism- you look at glossy images and yearn to replicate such perfection, such beauty but then the mirror haunts you and you’re left with little else than disgust. Then, if you are anything like me, you will be left with the grand finale of an utterance of an inarticulate ‘Ugh’ under your breath.

No, no, no, I am not suggesting that we stop reading our favourite fashion magazines or, at the other extreme, that we stop eating or go under the knife...instead, I think we (or I, at the very least) need come to terms with what we tend to view as body image ‘shortcomings’. Perfection is overrated. If I ever saw a guy who looked like Depp or Pitt, I probably wouldn’t pay him much attention because I’d think that he is completely devoid of any trace of personality. If I see girls on the street who look too ‘put together’, I don’t bother looking at them. I feel that they’ve succumbed too much, too far, into the whole faux conception of beauty- and it sickens me.

So, what do we do? What do I suggest? Firstly, that you don’t waste your money on therapy..they’ll tell you what you already know. You can talk to a wall and buy an amazing pair of shoes instead. Second, SERIOUSLY learn to love yourself. You must be good at SOMETHING. If you can’t establish what it is, if you have good people around you, or at least ONE good friend you can rely on, you should know that you aren’t doing so badly. Beauty which is met with the eye fades and dies, it’s a fact. I think we need to look a bit deeper to find something more substantial to hold on to before we let our obsession swallow us whole til we are left with absolutely nothing at all.

As it is, I feel that I’ve said too much.I don’t know if this makes any sense at all to you, dear reader, but if it does, kudos.

Xx
scio

The Brightside

2009-10-18T06:36:00.000-07:00

In the midst of this miserable month, I have managed to assemble a list of things to look forward to :

1. The Hills tonight at 9 PM
2. Phoenix on the 24th!
3. 24/10/09 - 31/10/09 : Consolidation Week a.k.a. Reading Week, formerly known as One Week Of Danger in Flat 5. Minimal (law related) reading, if any at all, will be done.
4. Paris during Consolidation Week. (there are currently no reasonably priced tickets to Stockholm. boo.)
5. Concluding the end of my two week detoxing period with steak & wine & all things fine.
6. London, soonish.

Life ain't so bad.

Bye Bye Bayou

2009-10-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

LCD Soundsystem's cover. It's not amazing but it sounds marginally better than the Church bells that have been ringing incessantly all morning.

Perfection is Dead

2009-10-15T11:14:00.001-07:00

Fair haired boys never did strike my fancy and the only exception I am willing to make made his way 6 feet under 54 years ago. Dead and divine, none other than Dean.

AND FINALLY,

this is one of my favourite pictures in existence.

"Honey, you're up!Did you sleep okay?"

Well, that's the end of this post, I'll let him sleep away.

The A.M.

2009-10-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. I dragged myself out of bed at 10 to 6 after managing to ignore the alarm for a respectable 50 minutes. Bright and early? Hardly. Premature mornings are little other than dark and bleak and should, in the course of my classic case of destructive youth, be fallen asleep to and not risen to. Winter’s icy fingers stealthily reach out from December to meddle clumsily with these hours of the morning, making it colder than it ought to be..making me never ever want to leave the warmth of my bed.

Maybe a little tune will help roast the room a bit.

Hmph. Futility. It's a quarter to eight now and I should take a shower now before it gets too late. Brrrr.

:) :)

2009-10-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

I never got into the Pains (they tripped and fell on the wrong side of pop) but watching this video again (bar the excessive smiling and skipping) reminded me of the good life in flat 5.

hey ma, ribbbiiitttt

2009-10-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

i know this is not new but im having a case of quarter-life crisis. and apparently out of all my peers im the only one having it. my ability to hurt people around me and destroy every chance of 'good' future i have is quite amazing. seriously what happened? why do i think that i deserve much more than what i already have? and if anyone could fake it, why not i? i hate being so passionate about sthing (self-obsession), yet at the same time passionless at everything else (lazy).

with the amount of shits thrown at us this month i wonder, is it the curse of flat5 or r we just running out of luck? so i refer to my trusted feng shui book for any indications of bad luck in october, and true enough. wait. hold up. the bad shit that happened to me occurred in a good month. fucking hell i cant even trust a good month. and this month is volatile where it can either be really good or really bad. heres hoping for a good one and hopefully my sad drawing of 12 fishes and ruby bracelet will restore my good karma and activate my good luck. and if i need to get that jade frog thing for extra luck then so be it! anything for a better month ;/

*****

i re-read the book, and i realized i got few things wrong;
1. 9 goldfishes not 12 random fishies
2. 6 wealth toads water feature and not jade frog thing
3. mantra ring(?) for luck in studies!

no wonder 2009 is beyond shit! now where can i get that toad water feature thing?

-

2009-10-08T02:12:00.000-07:00

finally, boxes filled with things i had accumulate in three years there have arrived. most of them are junks which cld explain why i didnt 'need ' any of the items when they were gone. regardless, unpacking the boxes, slowly going through all my stuff, the smell of flat 5, the sound of flat 5, memories of living there, easy life fun life disastrous life. i miss

=(

xx,
sadHAT

Cheer me up, I'm a tireless bore

2009-10-07T14:24:00.001-07:00

The world needs more men like Ramesh. If you write like this, you must love like heaven.

(yes, this is ancient but definitely one of my favourite songs of all time)

Is there anything good about October?

2009-10-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

No. Even the sun doesn’t want to look it in its face. It hides behind massive clouds of grey, leaving us to shiver in the cold. The rain has also just returned from its summer break and has resumed its mission of tormenting me deeper into misery and frizzing my hair out. October smirks and reminds you constantly that summer is gone and won’t be back for a long, long time.

The next six months will be particularly unkind to me- the weather dictates my mood and boy, do I hate the cold. When winter is at its peak, your face is frozen as soon as you leave home. The face you wear for the rest of the day is that very same face you had on as you stepped out of the airless warmth of electric heating into the unwelcoming, glacial outdoors. Your movement is limited by the umpteen layers you have dressed yourself in, in a vain attempt of trying to outwit the cold. The battle is short and winter wins. And so you stand there, bitter and awkwardly statuesque, wanting to wave your middle finger at this unforgiving weather but you can’t, for you know that even the middle finger loses its impact in winter- wrapped up in a woollen glove, trembling slightly but numb otherwise. Like some sad finger puppet withering into death from its final epileptic fit.

Then, after what seemed to be a pretty long day, you gaze up at the big black canopy that sits where the sky used to be and assume that you’re smack in the dead of the night. No. It is 4 in the evening. So, it’s subzero doom and gloom outside, you’re starving even though you just ate an hour ago, your clothes make you resemble the Michelin man AND your electricity bill is rocketing. Meeting up with friends means braving the cold AGAIN. Plus, hanging out this(that?) time of year is almost always disappointing because everyone is sullen-struck by winter and all anyone ever talks about is how cold it is. So you sit at home all alone, dehydrated from the heating, wallowing in your misery, allowing your morose to grow and all you can actually think of is how much you fucking hate winter.

As usual, this post was another totally pointless complain. Have a nice day.

Re: THE BITCH IS BACK

2009-09-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

only a few days til SEASON 5 of the hills premieres here. i can summarise pretty much everything we know so far about season five in one word : GNARLY (thanks stephanie plastic pratt). just think about it:

1. LC is gone. Remember Season 4 of the OC? It couldn't survive without Marissa Cooper. I foresee the same fate for the hills.

2. the ultimate rube with money, Kristen Cavallari(or whatever her name is) is going to be 'replacing' LC. fuck that. no one will ever be able to fit LC's sweet shoes. i never liked kristen. she reminds me of the type of girl that works in the greasiest fast food joint imaginable but thinks she's the queen of the fucking world, serving your fries with a free supersized portion of RUDE.

3. Audreamy's hair is lighter. She looks too glamorous. it makes me sick. audrina is no barbie! she's supposed to be the princess of the black rebel motorcycle club. with dark hair.

4. Kristen is annoying

5. Kristen is fucking annoying

6. She should really stay the fuck away from Justin Bobby. Don't be messing with Audreamy's property.

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour...

2009-09-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

Wrote this last week, right after Hat left. Because I tend to get sappy like that..well, like this:

Often it is the presence of people that makes you realise how much of a difference they made in your life, how much you have missed them and how much you will miss them when they leave.

Hat was here yesterday and now she is gone. Understandably, my apartment is brimful of sadness. Although we didn’t do much at all during our time together here, memories that would be thrown into the ‘Insignificant’ pile by most mentally coherent people are cherished colossally by emotionally feeble sciolizm. When I say we did nothing, I mean we did absolutely nothing that qualifies as anything even remotely worth mentioning. It was like a typical night at Flat 5, the impenetrable bubble that protected us from the big bad world was recreated. Déjà Vu with an altered milieu. I wish we were still living in Flat 5. When she left, I realised this all over again, on a whole different level. This is real. That phase is over and it will never come back. It fucking sucks.

---

You see, I could go on for ages but I realise that this is wholly unnecessary as I'm sure you get the point. Maladjustment. Mehhhhh.

nasal

2009-09-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

The Hills - Lauren + Kristin

= rotten to the core.

i woke up late in the evening

2009-09-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

the most fitting tune for me today;

i wish i wasnt so lazy these days.

anyway, reunion was awesome. we only get to spend in total 2 and half days together. which is kinda sad but FANTASTIC nonetheless. we spent our days window shopping, planning what to buy and what to return and in the evening writing a joint post only to delete them the next day because it was inappropriate . LOL.

i also wish i have an interesting life.

heres to another reunion in three months! CHEEEEEEEERRRRSSSSSS

To Better Nights

2009-09-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

long gone are these nights:

sad face.

This Sweats Glitter

2009-09-24T12:28:00.000-07:00

My lack of internet has arrested my ability to put you to sleep with my thoughts on music. I must thank Cox for sharing this with me. So here it is- another boring music post!

The taster we heard a couple of months ago did not equip me for this. Especially not today.

This song fucked me up. I was in a really shitty mood and then this starts playing and suddenly i see multiple rainbows flashing, one coloured arch at a time, at a relatively high speed from every corner of my mind(mind you, there are a lot of corners in my mind). Then came the beaming fairies twirling around in delight. And they’ve got those gymnastic ribbons, with which they make their own hypnotic rainbows. I’m just sat here thinking ‘What the fuck is going on? It sounds like gay electricity from the 80s.'

This voice clearly got lost on its way home, ran into a mountain of crack and smoked that mountain flat. Then The Similou came, took advantage of its smashed, submissive state and raped it. 9 months later, this song (and the whole album, I suspect) was born. The awkward love child who just happened to be born at the right time- a time where awkwardness is revered. I swear Jules would have been beaten up and possibly stabbed if he tried to pull this shit in 2001.

That being said, I can’t stop listening to it. Casablancas possesses strange, spellbinding powers..over me at least. Fuck you, Casablancas. I really wanted to stop believing in you.

Love,
Schizolizm

typical

2009-09-21T10:42:00.000-07:00

A lot of girls like their men to be buff and dashing. Buff and dashing sounds repulsive to me. My mind has somehow made an automatic connection between buff and physically abusive and spits a lot. Dashing, on the other hand, brings to mind two images : Brylcreem and blonde. All very, very wrong in my books.

If my ideal man was a piece of paper, he'd be scrunched up and burnt around the edges. In human form, for the time being, he is Devendra Banhart.

Though I hate men in bowties because it makes them look like they're trying (and tying) too hard to be kooky, I am willing to make a sole exception for him.

Of course he looks like a complete asshole. But a divine, spiritual one nonetheless.

Be swooned.

And after the Thanksgiving play we can all sit around and have a sexy cup of tea.

For Clothes or Bills?

2009-09-18T04:15:00.001-07:00

I MAINTAIN THAT THIS IS NOT A FASHIONISTA POST.

Right after learning about bail applications, I rushed off to the nearest Topshop store to get my hands on the Christopher Kane for Topshop line. (Note that Hat beat me to this). I ended up spending way too much on things I'm not even sure I like. Well, I have the option of returning them if (in the next 28 days) I realise that I have little sentiment for them other than hate.

What I should have been doing with my time is preparing for my next Civil Unit One session which starts in 1 hour and 10 minutes. Instead, I sit in my living room, feeling guilty about my reckless use of sterling, whilst eating a bagel.

What I should have done with the money is pay my bills. They are looking at me from the corner of the table, half nervous, half disappointed.

The clothes, sitting uncomfortably in the paper bag are humming 'Should I stay or Should I go?'.

Decisions, decisions.

Bad News

2009-09-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I don't have much time to write so take this as one of those news bulletins that drags itself from right to left on your TV screen when you're watching your favourite reality tv show, or whatever it is you watch. You ignore it most of the time unless it includes the word 'sex' or 'bomb' or 'Michael Jackson'. What I'm going to say involves none of the three, combined or treated in isolation. The bad news is that :

1. Flat 5 did not reunite today. This is the worst news this month. Sciolizm could not go to Manchester because her course does not permit her to have friends, old or new.

2. London Fashion Weekend is coming up and people (girls, typically) are getting more annoying. Girls who make every single person who has ever been featured as a 'Vice Don't' look good are getting excited, and getting vocal about their excitement. Don't forget to drop names of designers/labels when you're talking about the only thing you talk about (fashion, of course). You're on the right track, you fashionable fashionista! Wear those fucking faded pink tights with that sweater that rests above your massive behind. It really brings out the pork in you. Adidas.

3. Vampire Weekend have announced their second album.

End of news bulletin.

One last thing, this has got to be one of the worst songs of the year( if not of all time). I still haven't fully decided which I hate more though, the song or the video. Please, don't enjoy:

theres a new obnoxious girl in (blog)town

2009-09-10T02:07:00.000-07:00

not me. someone else.

less than a week until flat5*beep*house reunion! stay tuned(*)!

till then im gona indulge myself with more kdramas,guitar heroes and nothingness. its good for the soul but bad for the brain!

ineed$$,
hat

a new beginning - part 1?

2009-09-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

Here I am, in my brand new apartment. Away from home, just like I wanted to be. Jolted out from bed by jetlag probably 4 hours too early to detect life neighbouring, I decided to make another list of things to do today to save me from being swallowed whole by the emptiness that surrounds me. This exact same scenario happened yesterday, where I deliberately drained myself of every trace of energy to salvage myself from lying wide awake in bed with my new found best friend, lonesome, with absolutely nothing to do but think about and in that, amplify my suppressed desolation. Seeing how not much is terrific, I suppose it’s a pretty good strategy living with the motto ‘Ignorance Is Bliss’, but when I am reminded of things that I miss the most, realising that everything and everyone is so unreachable, I feel a twinge of pain. I think it is the worst sort of pain – the agony of acute longing.

Another thing I’ve realised is that being in the heart of such a busy city only makes you realise how alone you are. You see people shuffling by in twos, threes, fours. Even the sporadic unaccompanied have designated company to return to eventually. Well, almost everyone. There are a few exceptions of course. Like the street preachers, shouting out their sermons on faith, or the fraud that is faith. Wide eyed, they yell to space with such great conviction- they must be crazy and so completely alone. Like my wheelchaired neighbour who loiters in the lobby, like a starving eagle desperate for its prey, he waits for conversation with anyone at all. And when he’s waited around for too long, I hear him wheeling back into his empty apartment. It makes me a bit sad but I think I kind of half know how he feels. It’s not great. It’s a curious thing, how the presence of people can be just the thing that makes you feel most isolated. But yes, I complain too much, too often.
So I’m just going to end this post here before it gets too pathetically sappy.

I will say one last thing before I go though.. I really wish the three people (yes, there are three, hat is skipping in the background) in the picture below were here with me. That would be supersweeeet.

(my attempt at identity protection. canceled out their eyes. how original!)

my twisted words?

2009-08-22T21:19:00.000-07:00

It’s been almost a week since Radiohead released ‘These Are My Twisted Words’ and I’m scared to articulate my presently unresolved thoughts. This is because I know that it’s almost blasphemous to say anything bad about Radiohead because they are pretty much superhuman but come on guys, this could have been one of the weakest tracks on ‘In Rainbows’. Cue guilt. Perhaps I haven’t listened to the track enough times per hour to fall victim to its hypnotic grip. Perhaps I have an underdeveloped appreciation of new age musical experimentalism and that I really miss the long gone, good old cushy days of The Bends. Okay. Let’s pretend we’re on Planet Creative, where there are bands out there of near equal celestial quality as Radiohead and newrandombandX released this. I’m half convinced that most people would have stopped listening by the second minute of the song. Right before Thom(or rather, the superb vocalist of newrandomband X) pleases the lyric hungry with a mini congregation of words, which I think saved the almost 6 minute long song from humdrum. But wait, there is some hope - the song gets better each time you listen to it.. so at the very least, there is some hope for this currently sonically middling track to evolve into something far greater in the near future. The mystique of music. Who really gets these things?

hat gains a year

2009-08-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

It’s Hat’s birthday today. Or it was yesterday. Or it was a couple of days/weeks/months ago, depending on when you’re reading this. Since I already messed up her card with an inappropriate amount of words, I’ll keep this (belated) birthday post short.

HAPPY TWEENIE THIRD BIRTHDAY, G!

Birthday anthem time:

diz iz anoda hot Bone thugz song

2009-08-13T09:53:00.000-07:00

good timez

King Rat

2009-08-13T02:02:00.000-07:00

To be completely honest, I don't really like this video clip but I thought I'd share it you anyway because it was directed by the late, the great Heath Ledger. That makes it pretty special, I guess. So here, King Rat by Modest Mouse.

PDA (Public Display of Anger)

2009-08-12T02:42:00.000-07:00

Hat wrote briefly about several things that she doesn't get. Here's a list, in no particular order, of several things that vex me to venus:

1. My local friends who make fun of me because sometimes I speak the local lingo. I’m Malaysian. So are you, fuckhead. Typically:

Phone rings, I answer.

‘Ey brader lu buat apa sial? Aku...macam...(..loses the ability to focus on fake accent.. but is still determined to get on my nerves)..kenapa..eh..apersalll..ah..kau ni..(is making absolutely no sense at this point and gives up, abandons the whole act and speaks in English). Wouldn’t it have been easier for the both of us if you just called and said ‘Hey, what are you up to?’

I can draw parallels between that and this:

Lets even out the score here if you want to keep playing. Speaking Chinese to your Chinese friends doesn’t make you any less of a ching chong chinky little winky mainland china man than speaking Malay to my friends makes me ‘uncivilised’ (i.e. kampong), as you constantly insinuate. Stop the uncreative, inept mocking. I, for one, have never sat on a revved up C70 Honda kapcai, so I know for a fact that my Malay is not as coarse as you seem to believe. Second, your mimicry skills are pathetic and need a lot more practice- no one enjoys ersatz comedies, not even your friends. Go eat your fucking nooderrrss, than chew werr mash.

2. You, underaged ugly, at the mall, with the SLR hanging from your neck. This constant snapping of lame photos of your ugly friends must end. All they’re doing is sitting down in McDonalds, sharing a small pack of fries between all 9 of them. This is because that’s all they can afford after they had to blow their annual allowance chipping in for the cheapest SLR for you, just so that your herpes-faced herd can walk around the mall, thinking ‘Fuck.we’re arty. If you can’t tell by our flannel shirts, just look, our friend has an SLR around his neck!’ Back to you, Sheppard with the SLR, sure your pictures may turn out looking like Picassos masterpieces, but that’s only because your friends have fucking disoriented faces. Save our poor eyes the pain and our minds the irritation and basically do the world a favour : go home and stay there forever.

3. The word 'indie'. Shit, i just typed it. Cringe.

4.

People who pass judgment when I order a salad. It’s a fucking salad, not a diet pill. You like your grease, I like my greens. I don’t say ‘Easy there, Sean Kingston’ when you order your oil drenched fried chicken so please, let me enjoy my salad sans suspicion of anorexia. Maybe you should try it too so you’d look and sound less constipated all the time.

5.

People on social networking websites who claim to be your ‘friends’ but then launch shocking, horrible, unforgivable personal attacks on you in cyberspace. You log on to Facebook and notice in the right hand corner of the page, a seemingly harmless little red box with the number 8 in it. You’re humming a little tune because it’s been a pretty good day so far- you haven’t tripped, spilt anything or been yelled at yet. Innocently, you click on the box and to your absolute horror, you discover that a ‘friend’ you haven’t seen in the past 7 years has been feeling a little nostalgic, a little malicious and took it upon him/herself to publish up 8 dusty(ghastly) photos of you..photos which really should have been left (or burnt) when they were taken : in the unsightly past. I don’t have a problem with nostalgia, sure, we had some good times but I don’t need to be reminded of how bad I looked when I was having those good times. The best (and by best I mean most mortifying) thing about these old pictures is that I’m always surrounded by my pretty friends who somehow never went through an 11 year long awkward phase (yes, I’m special. And still recovering) or any gawkiness at all, from my metal smile you can tell that at the time I didn’t fully appreciate how fucking retarded I looked. And so you sit, look back and forth between your reflection and the 12 year old you and realise that minus the geeky glasses and braces, not all that much has changed. After this, no humming is heard for weeks. This cannot be what ‘friends’ are for. No.

6. This is probably more heartbreaking than it is irritating:

Ramesh Srivastava, Voxtrot frontman, possibly the man of my dreams, GAY.

tonights lullaby

2009-08-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

cold case #1

2009-08-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

there are many things in this world that i just dont get. for example, blogshops, malaysian FASHIONISTAS, shah alam, my ex-schoolmates, supras and well just about everything under the sun basically.

anyway, the thing that got me puzzling for today is
jumping photos.

ive never done it but everyone and by everyone i mean all my friends on facebook has at least one. i dont get it. why do u jump when u take photos? and oh my god some people can actually jump really high (amazzziiing!).
in my opinion, if ure not jumping over a cliff of 500m above sea level (not less and with no help from cords or ropes or whatever) then its totally unnecessary to have jumping photos.

itsy-bitsy irritation

2009-08-10T01:49:00.000-07:00

Remember that friend of yours who’s been chain-smoking since he was 9 but finally quit the stick this year after the government decided to print pictures of funky foot gangrene and blood soaked foetuses on cigarette boxes? No? Me neither. We get it, smoking is bad. Smokers don’t need macabre images of the potential damage they are inflicting upon themselves to remind them that smoking is indeed a bad, bad habit. It’s just annoying. Will power won’t jump out of a gory image. Kudos to the government for increasing the sales of cigarette cases though! You know what bothers me more than second hand smoke? It’s the amount of disgustingly obese people I see dragging their weight around at 10 meters per hour, sweating profusely at all times, breathing like 40 year old diesel trucks. If the health authorities are so deeply concerned with promoting wellbeing and good health, why don’t they stick these photos on Big Mac boxes :

babbles

2009-08-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

when we started this blog, it had no direction. then sciolizm decided to take over and make this her musical blog. as my taste in music is questionable, ive decided that my part is to write crap.

Q: do u ever realize that u always want to slap annoying people but punch someone with annoying face?
A: an annoying face is a greater crime than an annoying personality. and more often than not, an annoying face comes with a combo of annoying personality. therefore greater punishment is well deserved. but the sad thing is u can never change ur face.

Q: do u wanna slap or punch me?
1.

2.

3.

my answer:
1. punch
2. slap
2. punch, slap, kick, push him off the cliff, pull his hair until his scalp bleeds and so on and so forth. I HATE HIM.

take a 6 minute break

2009-08-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

i made a conscious effort to try to not like this. i tried, i failed.

take it or leave it

2009-08-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

Let's face it, when The Strokes came around to save us from the shit we were listening to when the world didn't end in 2000, we all felt a lot cooler. It was a dark, dark age when they arrived : Linkin Park had just landed, At The Drive-In and the Spice Girls had disbanded, girls were wearing baby-Ts which exposed an inch of bellyflab. Everything was going wrong. How did they get so cool?

Whilst the girls replaced glossy posters of Boyd with Casablancas/Moretti/Valensi, boys pretended they weren't rocking out to Fat Lip just days before they saw Last Night on MTV and swore they'd always loved rock and roll. Some even started wearing blazers.

Sadly and inevitably, love turned to (mostly forced,fake) hate. I guess things really turned sour when the kids that were wearing eminem t shirts traded them in for The Strokes t shrits(happened again after Transformers) but still wore them with their Fubu baggy jeans. We couldn't say out loud that we liked The Strokes anymore and it wasn't because they sucked, it's just that they were too famous (which translates to cheesy, uncool, bad). We're just fucked up like that. We're such jealous lovers with bands sometimes, once too many people have gotten all cozy with them, we get pissed off and disown them like two dollar whores...whilst secretly still being in love with them.

I'm coming out of the closet : I think The Strokes are legendary, and have never been disappointed by any of their albums. I love them! Here's the issue- three albums and a lot of fuss later, Julian Casablancas has decided to embark on a solo career. He's releasing his first solo album 'in the fall'. I spent several years of my life hoping I would marry him, and still have a lot of faith left, not so much in being a Casablancas but in him, as a musician. Although its produced by Jason Leder, I'm a pessimist and am still nervous that he's going to fuck us over with 8 tracks that Vampire Weekend could have come up with. Well, if Phrazes for the Young is a total disaster, we still have The Strokes' fourth coming album to anticipate.

We'll just have to wait and see, I guess. But for now, here's what he's got to say :

(I honestly got too distracted by his face to listen to what he was saying most of the time. Pretty.)

WAIT. PAUSE AT 1:03. What's that? Fuck yeah, not Supras.

.

2009-08-08T07:46:00.000-07:00

scroll to

[sciolizm's thoughts]

right click. copy.

right click. paste :

a requiem by radiohead

2009-08-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

Radiohead decided to write a song to commemorate Harry Patch, the last surviving British World War 1 combatant who died on the 25th of July this year at the tired age of 111! The lyrics are actually all quotes from the war veteran himself, which is pretty sweet. Enjoy (probably not the best way to start your day though).

why hasn't this hit the nation by storm yet?

2009-08-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

hat and i saw this magazine (wait for it) the other day at what is possibly the most enormous magazine shop in Malaysia. at first i walked past it, it was next to the pre-pubescent section. you know you need to get the fuck away from an area where twenty Mylie Cyrus', fifteen sets of the Jonas Brothers and six Taylor Swifts are eyeballing you, simultaneously, with grins that put the Cheshire cat to shame. in their glossy greatness, set against a spillage of the most hideous tones of fluorescent yellow and pink, they watch you below headlines that promise to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets (favourite colour, favourite food). as i distanced myself from the atrocity, something caught my eye. it was the british royal family, all lined up on a shelf, looking nothing short of delighted. the magazines called Majesty, which according to its website, gives its readers a colourful insight into the privileged lives of the royal families of the world. who the hell buys this shit?

anyway, whilst below this shelf of individual royals was an array of mags on lady di, above it was this mega find:

The Best Selling Lesbian Magazine!!!!

this is a slice of my insensitivity but i just couldn't resist sharing. come on, its kind of funny..especially because homosexuality is basically illegal in this country.

even so, drag kings are no rarity here. they're the underdogs who don't get enough international attention compared to the SEA ladyboys(mad propz to yall at Parkson and Topshop). perhaps because they are far, far less attractive than ladyboys. they're all kind of underheight and overweight, and look like they've been deep fried in lard several times. oh they also lovelovelove cargo trousers. perhaps they think that masculinity is measured by the number of pockets one has. anyway. the point is, as they are multiplying by the second, i think they need to be alerted that they can stop pretending to be interested in motor trader and start subscribing to a magazine that caters specifically to them.

old, alone, done for!

2009-08-04T20:50:00.001-07:00

my birthday is coming soon so here's my wishlist to give everyone (i.e no one) ideas of what i want when i turn a year older.

1. LA CANDY

2. Demi lovato's new album

3. Jonas Brothers' new album

see im easily pleased.
but seriously if i want these shits ill get them myself. and yesss i likeee disneys popstars. :D

what i really want is

a brand spanking new kitten fresh out of mommys womb. all sticky and alieny! woot woot.

Hope

2009-08-04T11:34:00.000-07:00

For all 2009 and perhaps 08, the world has awaited the birth of a song which wasn’t interested in outsynthing its peers, for a song which at the very least bordered on being honest if being sensible is too much to ask. Many of us were pretty much ready to resign to Option 1 of never updating existing playlists or Option 2 of updating it, and enduring abuse from songs that spin butcher knives in your brain and/or kick you into some awkward dance(involuntarily). Just as I was signing up for Option 1 i.e. I Am So Fucking Sick Of Electronica, Voxtrot came back to save us all, just like a dream. At an age where lyrics have taken the backseat, letting drum machines drive instead, Ramesh has stuck by his pen through and through, delivering verses and choruses that will charm even the most reluctant romantics. Voxtrot is, hands down, the best thing that has ever come out of Texas. Slightly unfashionable, completely endearing.

Berlin, Without Return - Voxtrot

wayfaring stranger

2009-08-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

pretty prague:

minor adjustment

2009-08-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

the atrocity that is the flaming lips song in the previous post was starting to seriously bother me. so i felt the need to put up a song that i actually did like. here's my attempt to cancel out the evil with some good :

In This Lonely Town - Jeremy Jay

Ooooo. this is the first time i'm posting a song (err mp3?..) instead of a video.it should work. i chose Jeremy Jay because earlier today i was checking out records at a store with a friend of mine and i asked him if he liked Jeremy Jay, he said he's never heard of him(them?) and asked me what sort of music he plays. i honestly couldn't remember at the time, but i remember a very good French friend of mine showing me Jeremy Jay's myspace awhile back and me liking what I heard. the end.

on a lighter note

2009-08-03T04:53:00.000-07:00

today i was reminded of one of the few good things about this place - yellow watermelons (no racist sexual innuendo, perverts). not the most curious of fruits but one of my top ten fruits for sho.

i'm sure if i tried hard enough id be able to find some in England but readily sliced and at thrice the price. more than thrice. you get the point. i'm convinced that the yellow watermelon is superior to its red counterpart based on its colour alone. more interestingly, i have just found out that the Roma people (derogatorily and often unnecessarily referred to as 'gypsies') are responsible for a pretty amusing folklore on Watermelon Vampires.

www.lesvampires.org tells me (don't question why I was on this website)

"The belief in vampire watermelons is similar to the belief that any inanimate object left outside during the night of a full moon will become a vampire. According to tradition, virtually any kind of melon or pumpkin kept more than ten days or after Christmas will become a vampire, rolling around on the ground and growling to pester the living. People have little fear of the vampire melons because of the creatures' lack of teeth. One of the main indications that a melon is about to undergo a vampiric transformation (or has just completed one) is said to be the appearance of a drop of blood on its skin."

these vamps must be the laughing stock of the Vampire Empire (i'm sure this exists even if it is just in my nightmares). theyre handicapped from performing the sole duty of vampires. losers. i also imagine that they must look something like this :

pretty scary if you ask me.

that's about all for now, kids. oh, and this next song. i don't even like it, its just got the word watermelon in it. fangs for your time.

friday night, out of sight

2009-07-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

this week i bought..

2009-07-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

into the idea of aural therapy..

Jónsi & Alex. to be reviewed soon.

Ryan Adams - Cold Roses.

non-fiction (well, mostly)

amongst other things, the sari industry in new delhi ain't doin too good.mm hmm.

couldn't find a new, improved life for sale anywhere. bummer.

Something's Definitely Changed

2009-07-28T13:33:00.000-07:00

Being so far away from home, returning to its warm shores was something I always looked forward to. ‘Oh, for the comfort of family and friends,’ I would sigh and sigh again. The vicious veracity of it all was that I had illustrated this powerful image in my wistful mind, hoping that it would bring such great happiness, or at the very least, a sense of belonging. How terribly wrong I was, for each time I returned, though not denying moments of ephemeral ecstasy(hyperbole), shattering disappointment and ripe frustration eclipsed all that shined.

Coming home this time was a lot different. It’s as if the roots were pulled out from under me, unsuspectingly, and thrown out to sea. Granted, there was a bit more space in my house, which in time I will adjust to and accept as real, but the change in my sentiment for ‘home’ could not be explained solely on this premise.

The truth is that I was finding it increasingly difficult to attach the word ‘home’ to this house, which I had spent most of my living years in. Unsurprisingly, this coincided with my inability to detach myself from the place which I had lived in for a mere two years, which felt more like ‘home’ to me than any other place. How do I come to grips with the fact that my ‘home’ will be, in time, little more than a fleeting memory of ‘better days’? How do I come to terms with reality?

Perhaps this change is in part attributable to a reconsideration of what the word ‘comfort’ actually connotes to me. I find it intriguing and somewhat distressing that once you attach a word to a thought, an emotion, it becomes fixed forever and that thought, emotion ceases to be anything else- for it cannot be anything more than what it is said to be for it to be comprehensible to others. Follow? Well, it doesn’t really matter.

Before you prematurely assume that I have lost all sense of family, I feel that the obvious must be stated - of course I still find ‘comfort’ in the unparalleled affection of my magnificent mother, a sturdy sense of security in the mere presence of my brother; ‘convenience’, if not ‘leisure’ in not having to ever cook and clean around here; I am most grateful for these things but I have constantly tried to look beyond this, to find something, anything, to make me feel better, to make me feel whole and home, but at the end of the day I find myself staring into an abyss, hollow and alone. Ah, the inadequacy of growing older with essentially only what you have had your whole life- you definitely want nothing less but indefinably want so much more.

I miss the simpler days, so undemanding, where I breathed more than I held my breath. But so long departed they are now that they just seem illusory, like a dream, like love. All that remains is evanescent anyway. To redefine solace or to discover it anew is probably just what I need, but just what I need(in a strictly non-sarcastic sense) rarely comes my way. But alas, I hear reality again, telling me that all I really need to do is rectify my oblique perception of what life should be.

Well, that’s about enough cheerfulness for today. The pathos of ill-equipped changes ends here.

Love.

to conclude chapter 6

2009-07-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

the last days of the last days

2009-07-23T17:32:00.001-07:00

so now its my turn to move out of flat 5.feels like i'm sending the best part of my life into exile.the process has been so tiring.too tiring.too tired to type, to think.

so,

2 more days

2009-07-19T16:32:00.001-07:00

i have two more days till i leave this house. Flat 5 Amazing House. it feels weird to think that Flat 5 is no longer my home and my used to be holiday only home is now my forever home.

not looking forward to this at all except hugging and kissing my babycakes everyday. mr c and baby c whos no longer a baby because now he likes to hump his mommy according to my sister. i missssss my cats.

haih i dont wanna go back please please please please

star light, star bright

2009-07-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

when the going gets tough, i just keep a hopeful gaze locked on my window..

they told me nothing's impossible. so i'll just sit here and wait. if neverland is too far away, i don't mind traveling back in time to this :

and staying in that moment forever.

most of the time i got nothing to say

2009-07-11T15:53:00.000-07:00

hello hello. mellow mellow. july feels like december and i'm not just talking about the weather. well this is my fireplace :

hearts apart

2009-07-10T03:20:00.000-07:00

for my little traveler in Nice.

oh all you hipsters can go ahead and roll your eyes to this because its just too mainstream for you. i don't fucking care.

if anything was too touchy

2009-07-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

that should make sense to you

for the hopeless romantic that we deny

2009-07-09T15:07:00.000-07:00

yes yes yes yes yes

she was always down

2009-07-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

this blog has been infiltrated by sciolizm's music.

soo now is my time to shine....

justtt becauuuse :D

boys who love me boys who hate me boys who never rate me

2009-07-09T14:47:00.001-07:00

now is a great time to write. dont ask me why but it is the best time.

who cares what micheal jackson is (only god will judge). muslim,christian whatever. snoop dogg aint muslim (did u see him at paris hilton's party?) NATION OF ISLAM doesnt mean they're muslim so please let IT GO. seriously its over. LEAVE IT! even if he was muslim, r u gonna start praying now? :/

oh well religion will always be a touchy subject and i shld just keep my opinion to myself.

what is new what is new. i got my boxes. WUHUU im moving for realz. that should make mom happy. and im still amazed by m83.

that is all.

cant wait to shop for realz now.

of pebbled beaches, deerhoof and poor health.

2009-07-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

we went to brighton. we went to a DEERHOOF gig there. they were good. i didn't take any pictures but this is what they look like.

i really can't say much after being teleported to heaven during the m83 show. oh, the magnificence. anyway, brighton is one of those places which you can't help but fall in love with during the summer in dreary england. beautiful boys on bicycles don't kill the view either. there was also a pretty cat, which we named several times that night, which i think made me awfully ill the next day.

i love it regardless. and i love brighton too.and i don't use the word love liberally. but as usual, here are some more pictures, which will by followed by a song by some brighton locals (completely aware that i lose street cred for paying heed to them)

let the voices of the youth be heard

2009-07-09T02:20:00.000-07:00

no further demands.

(i can see many of my closest friends rallying in the front line for this campaign)

and here, a thematic tune with an aptly named band. this is probably the only song by them which i actually like

rare loyalty

2009-07-08T14:59:00.001-07:00

this is jordan catalano (fine, jared leto), as many of you may recall. he was one of my first major celebrity crushes and i think i can still see why.even though my so called life aired in 1994/5(i think), it only reached the faraway shores of malaysia when i was about 10 (1996). and now, 15 years later, i would still marry him in a heartbeat and have as many children as he wants. or none (even better). and if you plan on bringing up 30 seconds to mars, we all go through rough phases in life...but hardly any of us come out looking this bloody good.

you're still jordan catalano to me.

we own the sky

2009-07-08T14:42:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was m83 day. they were FANTASTIC.

today i waited for the boxes to come so i can pack. but they never came.

tomorrow i have to wait for them to come again. they better not charge me extra.

LIFE IS GREAAAAAAT. no seriously its better than being home.

magic

2009-07-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

if you do not like m83,just leave.but then again, its possible not to like(love) m83. we went for m83's gig yesterday at koko, camden. with m83, its not the lyrics. the lyrics are like a side dish you didn't order and don't have to pay for.you don't need it but its not all that bad having it there.maybe im a sucker for a shoegazed daze but wo,there is magic in music and m83 has fucking proved this. at the gig, it was as if a new galaxy was being created right there and then, before my eyes. and all i could do was stand there, completely absorbed and mesmerised and watch. and watch. and watch. and just when you think its almost done, you're trascended to some distant point in some circumstellar space, experiencing the most unexplainable yet powerful chemistry with this magical, magical music. well i know everyone loves pictures over words so here :
the tickets

the magic

the crowd

when i'm really ill won't you cradle me?

2009-07-03T13:44:00.001-07:00

flat 5 is ill. BBC NEWS asks : Are you worried about swine flu? hells yeah i am. i want to pack my bags and move to..planet health.

automobile

2009-07-01T04:22:00.000-07:00

having a car here would be nice(understatement). listening to this song while driving might be nice too.