Saturday 28 November 2009

What Went Wrong




And so, after several months of experimenting with fleeting relief outlets, she decided that the remedy to her woes did not lurk amongst the rickety company of forgotten acquaintances, nor did it lurk in the deceptively intriguing nightlife offered by public houses and discotheques.


Her endeavours had only served to sharpen her dismay, and to enable a brand new, heightened sense of disillusionment with life. Former optimistic prospects of happiness withered away with the leaves of Autumn, as winter bustled in and froze her face, fingers and heart until she could feel nothing at all.


True, she had met a considerable number of former strangers. They had failed to survive the bridge to friendship and remained stranded in the negligible, unfortunate pool of acquaintances. She had failed to see any real potential of sincere friendship amongst all of the faces her tired eyes met with. Granted, this may be a fault of her own- she had grown exceedingly wary of people and could not trust them-especially new faces. She justified this with the common logic that precautions are needed to avoid future hurt and harm. Like a true chameleon, she slipped in and out of a myriad of personalities to better suit her designated company, losing more and more of herself as she shape-shifted.


As she recollected the disgraceful and atrociously futile events that had transpired in the past, she realised that what she needed was exactly that which she could not ever possibly locate in all the avenues she had clumsily explored. All that was missing was the comfort and camaraderie of her best friend.



An Old Song

Six/Seven years down the road and this is still one my favouries. I need to learn to divorce myself from my teenage emo frame of mind.


"Oh, Christ..I'm not that desperate!Oh, no..oh God, I am."

Saturday 21 November 2009

alone alone alone, not alone at all

life is mundane as shit. nothing exceptional will ever happen to me. nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing

weekend getaway

Friday night has come and gone. I spent mine watching half of Old Boy (upon a friend's insistence. gave up half way through. it just failed to amuse me in the way it has managed to amuse almost everyone else who has watched it). I then attempted to watch another film, Factotum, which also turned out to be equally as dire. Factotum, without a doubt, is the most mundane, soulless film I have ever sat through. I would have been better off observing the fine lines that decorate the white walls of my apartment. Following the bleakness of the 'events' that had unfolded, I decided to go to bed at 10pm. I think it was a great idea. I got approximately 12 hours of sleep, woke up completely refreshed...only to realise that this city has nothing to offer me. And so, as I did last week, I will board a train to London in a vain attempt to reestablish some form of social life. Wish me luck. I need all I can get-it never works out well. Often, upon return, I am left with thoughts of regret and disappointment. It is far too embarrassing and painful to retell. Well, in other news, I have done something which is totally uncharacteristic of me- I just asked a boy out. I have not yet received a reply but us girls have woman's intuition, which essentially tells me it will be of the negative. I tried, what can I say..we need to get by, don't we? Bah, most of the time, I am just looking for a shoulder to rest my head on. Then again, aren't we all, my lovelies?



Here's to hopes of good responses and of course, a good weekend.

Love,
sciolizm

Wednesday 18 November 2009

Little thoughts..

do you ever watch films and find yourself completely absorbed in them-it could be anything, the plot, a certain character ..it's like something in the screen jumps out and grabs your psyche. if the human race is anything at all like me, i'd say it holds a feeble and clumsy disposition...full of inhibitions, lacking courage, yearning for something, anything to identify with-even if it means fictional technicoloured two dimensional characters. bah. it happens to me a lot but one of the films that really struck the right chord with me was Girl, Interrupted. so here, i can relate:

Tuesday 17 November 2009

For every boy I've ever loved

For the purpose of this post I am using the word with unwarranted, inappropriate liberty. In all honesty, I have never loved most of them. Hindsight tells me that these are my major mistakes. I have truly loved only twice in my life and I can say unequivocally that I have used up the necessary emotion to enable a re-ignition of the feeling hereon. So I will summarise my long list of lustful endeavours by song(s), rather than by name. It just makes it that much more mysterious. But having said that, if any of them ever do so unfortunately stumble upon this blog, they will recognise their musical identity immediately. I just think it's kind of fun (sad times, sciolizm) . And i'm also bored out of my little mind. So anyway, here we go:

1. BON JOVI- ALWAYS. My first crush: I was 9, he was 12. laugh your heart out. i bumped into him again when i was 14. he got deported from Philly because he was caught in possession of alcohol when he was 17. still absolutely gorgeous nonetheless.

2.OUR LADY PEACE- ARE YOU SAD?; DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL- AGAIN I GO UNNOTICED My second major crush. at the time, his girlfriend shared the same name as me. i was 'taking' to him online once when i was at my grandma's. he insisted on coming over and asked if he could get cookies. i was 13...14.. this crush lasted for ages because i was shallow at the time and he looked like Conner from Sweet Valley High. adolescent lust. so pure, so embarrassing. he never came over, i was dorky and awkward- he laughed about me with his friends. i bumped into him last year, he tried to kiss me. i slapped him. don't you love it when the tables turn?

3. SMASHING PUMPKINS- MAYONAISE. i love this boy to death. we are still friends. i would like to say good friends but i put so little effort into the friendship. he's pretty persistent. he listens to me, he makes me laugh endlessly. he's the most talented musician i have met in my life. he would be so much further in life if he only didn't get so distracted by the drinking, the drugs, the problems. what can i say? we're all human. i actually really do love him, as a friend, how awful.


4. RADIOHEAD- HIGH & DRY; THE USED- ON MY OWN; TEAMSLEEP/DEFTONES- anything at all. at the time, i felt like he was my first love. typically, he was about 3 years older than me. he was intelligent (deception, deception!), caring, talented, modest, quite cute. i was 16, naive at best. he led me on, broke my heart, denied it, got me into trouble with his girlfriend, etc. you know how it works. i heard that he packed on plenty of pounds recently so i'm feeling pretty much triumphant. in retrospect, i probably was in love with him.

5. HOPESFALL- THE BENDING. hardcore emo? you bet. this guy is married now. he was one of the most beautiful boys i had ever laid my eyes on. i was 17. he was 23. there was no chemistry. we ended up being friends on the most perverted level. he told me was a sex addict, needed help. i stopped talking to him. interestingly enough, he got fat as well.

6. This is a mini mixed tape. JACK'S MANNEQUIN- THE MIXED TAPE, anything by the MOVING UNITS, THE VELVET TEEN- STAY WITH ME, THE JULIANA THEORY- DON'T PUSH LOVE AWAY, ATHLETE-TOURIST, BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE- PITTER PATTER GOES MY HEART, COPELAND- TAKE CARE, ETC ETC ETC. my first real boyfriend. he was a pathological liar. i speak the truth. i was in love with him but he was too far away. we had a sprint of a relationship when we were 16. it lasted a month. rekindled when we were 19. lasted a year and a half. the distance and lies shred the love sharper than knives. disappointing. lying aside, the chemistry remains unparalleled. strange.

7. Oh, dear. I really loved this one. As Gwen sang, 'not only in love, i was obsessed..'..Our soundtrack would definitely include: FEIST-INTUITION, LALI PUNA- TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS, AZURE RAY- RISE, DAFT PUNK-SOMETHING ABOUT US, BEE GEES- HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE, M83- SKIN OF THE NIGHT. there are so many other songs and yet nothing more i'd actually be comfortable enough to share.

8. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND- SHE DROVE ME TO DAYTIME TV. That song isn't even appropriate. What can I say about this boy? Best looking boy on this list. Lived in England his whole life but is obsessed with China. Speaks Chinese. Is completely endearing. Used to send me messages telling me that he likes me, that he wants to see me. It never happened. I had hopes which eventually transformed into cynicism..can't say that I care about him at all anymore.

9. Strangely enough, Bon Jovi- Always.more importantly, THE WEAKERTHANS- PSLAMS FOR THE ELKS LODGE'S LAST; MIDLAKE - YOUNG BRIDE; I LOVE YOU BUT I'VE CHOSEN DARKNESS- YOUR WORST IS THE BEST; THE KILLERS- MR BRIGHTSIDE(JACQUES LU CONT REMIX). I was selflessly 'in love' with this one. I kind of changed my lifestyle for him-which he never knew..but he was too old, had too much experience for me to trust.


10. KINGS OF LEON- SEX ON FIRE, SLOW NIGHT/SO LONG, USE SOMEBODY. This boy. He's my age but he always seemed so much older on the one hand but on the other, he was the most childish junkie you would ever meet in your life. i'm not sure if he was ever aware that i had a irremovable soft spot for him, or if he was completely aware of it and decided to take full advantage of it. unilateral OVERWHELMING magnetic physical attraction. whatever. whilst everyone else at my university thought he was disgusting and dirty ( he didn't even go to my university..or any university!), i maintain that he was really, REALLY good company and charming..and oh so endearing. perhaps i give people the benefit of the doubt more than i should. although he pretty much treated me like a rotting door mat most of the time (apart from supplying cigarettes, umpteen bottles of wine, pizza on various occasions).. i miss him a lot, i do.. and wish we could just lay on our respective couches and watch dvds again.he's moved away now, as have i. i told him that i missed his company and he replied 'DITTO'. yes, cavalier is dead. or maybe i'm just attracted to top notch assholes.

11. RYAN ADAMS- LET IT RIDE
. if you are ever lucky enough to meet him, you will agree with me on the point that he is..STELLAR. he looks just like Paolo Nutini, only shamefully shorter but..prettier! he was such a darling. i think he wrote me songs, which i thought was cute and young...okay he was young. pedophilia begins!! we kept in touch for a couple of months, then he vapourised. as. per. fucking. usual. he had an amazing voice though. he was my peter pan and i was his wendy, how fucking cute. too ephemeral. i roll my eyes at the very thought these days.

12. I definitely saved the best for last. I developed this crush in my first year of university.. I have graduated now. I'm undertaking a post-graduate course in a different city now.. I haven't seen him for 1 year and 6 months.. and I still think about him a lot. fear not, it has not been constant.i'm not that loyal or.. pathetic(i hope).it's only when we are 'in contact' *god bless facebook*. needless to say, he has treated me worse than all the boys above combined and multiplied. yes, it does not make any sense. he makes me wish more than i should that attraction was more mutual than it was complicated and nonreciprocal..sad story of my life, you've heard it one too many times. he intrigues me. i think he is awkward, uncomfortable in his own skin..but he masks it well with callous arrogance. difficult to figure out. impenetrable. most of the time i think he was born without a heart, without the ability to feel anything. but that's just me being selfish and stupid-of course he feels..just not for me! unrequited lust, over and over and over again. well, how could i not fall head over heels for this boy...this is a selection of my favourite melodies (from the musical myriad we have shared):


anything by VOXTROT..its a mutual obsession; WILCO-JESUS,ETC; THE SMITHS- ASLEEP; MY BLOODY VALENTINE- I ONLY SAID; SONIC YOUTH- SHADOW OF A DOUBT; WASHED OUT-FEEL IT ALL AROUND; GRIZZLY BEAR-COLORADO...but most importantly:


THE UNICORNS- JELLYBONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



bah..


to conclude,

i'm pretty unfortunate in this division. stubbornly cynical at best.....i lie. hopeless romantic to the core if you break the wall..which explains why i love this endlessly:




Xxx

sciolizm



XO

sciozlim

Saturday 14 November 2009

DESPERATE



i will let u know when im on 'our' island

Thursday 12 November 2009

the best thing about yesterday

i was introduced to this:



you have to listen to it twice at least..please! have i completely lost it or is this actually pretty fucking infectious?

behind my gameboy i got game, girl!

Wednesday 11 November 2009

empty rant, empty remedy

in the year 2009, i turned 23. 23 is a pretty insignificant age to be if you ask me.all that the number 23 tells you is that you're getting older and that there is really nothing you can do about it. thus, i entered the age, as i did 22...equipped with a steel walled heart and a soul full of pessimism. granted, i recognise that the order of frivolous youth has long been cast away but foolishly, i still yearn for it in silence..

shameful.

with age comes responsibility, this does not mix well with my peter pan complex.. so i sit and think, and think, and think.over-analysing everything.what's most frustrating is the absence of any real conclusion.and so, i was told that this is the only known cure:





funny how i've always loved it but never admitted it.

Monday 9 November 2009

An Alternative Outlet

Well I usually share the songs I've been listening to excessively/quarter life crisis anthems with a specific person (Re kissing in the rain, my bloody valentine). Two songs in one night might be a bit much, a bit too obvious, so I'm just going to have to share this with the rest of you. This song creeped up on me, wholly unexpectedly. I never bothered to listen to Pedro the Lion because (forgive my judgmental disposion..or rather, my pure ignorance) but..their name just managed to somehow form far too great an obstacle for me to ever think that their music could be even marginally worth a listen. Anyway, as I was sorting out my whites(laundry, that is) tonight..my ipod decide to surprise me. It was on the 'Recently Played' playlist and I swear, for the life of me, I have never ever deliberately put on Pedro the Lion. Anyway, this song came on. The lyrics held such accurate resonance with my life that I decided, without a doubt, that my Ipod had conspired against me, in a conscious effort to make me appreciate what is a pretty much obsolete band..or song at least. I will stop talking now. Enjoy:



good night.
Xx

Saturday 7 November 2009

Teach me FRUGALITY

High up on the long, long list of my bad habits is my inability to save money. The art of frugality, come to me! I tend to forget that I am a student and that I do, as a fact, live on a pretty tight budget. When I think back about all the things I've bought over the past 2 months or so, I get really panicky- I want to return everything and feel responsible and richer again. But no, that will not happen. So, instead, definitely not to brag or boast but rather to help you understand my acute problem and to help remind me that I really should stop shopping, here are a few pictures of my favourite recent purchases. Note that I said favourite..of course there's far more than I care to share...and it does not include all the books, dvds and albums I've bought... Let the panic attack begin!

The pictures had a very logical order to them, but I messed it up terribly so here they are, in no particular order. ugh.


One of My school bags. The other one is a mini suitcase. I swear.





I don't even know who made this but I love it and am never taking it off. I bought it at Selfridges and it half explains why I'm broke.



All Saints Motorcycle boots. I wear these to class almost everyday. My best friend in school hates them because he used to be in the army.



Evil Eye? Blue Topaz necklace from Pascal. I never take this off.




Another very recent purchase from Selfridges. This is by Vadi Jewels. The silver chain is pleated with a dark purple and navy blue velvet string. I love it. It wasn't that expensive either.



Black Acne asymmetrical dress with a slight ruffly detail on the side. I bought this out of pure desperation when I had to attend a dining session at my Inn. Don't ask.



I've worn this at least 5 times since I've bought it. Almost more than I've worn most of my other clothes. It's one of my favourite pieces. Thank you, Christopher Kane for creating something within my price range.



Everyone loves this ring. It's from Marc by Marc Jacobs. It's becoming increasingly tarnished. I wear it less now.






Again, I had to buy these for some law-related event. I needed a pair of 'proper court shoes' and thought I'd splurge. Little did I know that I'd end up with my heel stuck in one of those tiny holed drainage tiles they have in London..and so the patent on the heel is pretty much ruined. Ugh. The trials and tribulations of sciolizm.



Cheap Monday is fun. And yes, I rarely wear anything other than black. I should work at People's Revolution. I wish.





I don't like this dress anymore. I don't think I will wear it. I am not sure why I uploaded a picture of it. Christopher Kane for Topshop. Meh.





This is the one and only clock I have in my apartment. I got it from Urban Outfitters. Two days after I bought it, it went on sale. The moral of the story is basically, don't buy £30 clocks which are made out of cardboard.






Designer wine glass. Of course. I can't return it.





This tupperware set is TOO CUTE. I think there are about 4 smaller ones inside it. I've never brought a packed lunch to school though. See, WASTAGE.





Panda showercap. Hat had the shark one. I think I bought it because it reminded me of her.




I talk to this when I take a shower. I wish I was joking.


Over Summer, I became strangely fascinated by Hello Kitty. Thus, I figured the least I could do was have at least one Hello Kitty related item in my house. I ended up with a piggy bank. A Kitty Bank! It was filled with chocolate coins. Isn't that great?




PHOENIX! I went to their gig a couple of weeks ago. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I had a ridiculous grin on my face throughout the whole performance.





MEW. I watched them on Tuesday. I cannot even begin to describe how good it was. Celestial vocals, perfect band. I've said this before but I am strangely intrigued by Jonas's fragile stage disposition.


This is by far my favourite and most significant purchase. It's actually my graduation present from my lovely mother. It's a necklace by Ahkah for Kabiri. 14 pretty little diamonds in a row. They sparkle and I smile.

Friday 6 November 2009

pick me up,please



u know what sucks after 'diet' and 'dead pet'

fucking insecurities. they creep on you when u least expected and u just feel this emotional bomb and cant do anything but let the devil takes over.

oh maybe thats pms.whatever