For every boy I've ever loved

For the purpose of this post I am using the word with unwarranted, inappropriate liberty. In all honesty, I have never loved most of them. Hindsight tells me that these are my major mistakes. I have truly loved only twice in my life and I can say unequivocally that I have used up the necessary emotion to enable a re-ignition of the feeling hereon. So I will summarise my long list of lustful endeavours by song(s), rather than by name. It just makes it that much more mysterious. But having said that, if any of them ever do so unfortunately stumble upon this blog, they will recognise their musical identity immediately. I just think it's kind of fun (sad times, sciolizm) . And i'm also bored out of my little mind. So anyway, here we go:

1. BON JOVI- ALWAYS. My first crush: I was 9, he was 12. laugh your heart out. i bumped into him again when i was 14. he got deported from Philly because he was caught in possession of alcohol when he was 17. still absolutely gorgeous nonetheless.

2.OUR LADY PEACE- ARE YOU SAD?; DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL- AGAIN I GO UNNOTICED My second major crush. at the time, his girlfriend shared the same name as me. i was 'taking' to him online once when i was at my grandma's. he insisted on coming over and asked if he could get cookies. i was 13...14.. this crush lasted for ages because i was shallow at the time and he looked like Conner from Sweet Valley High. adolescent lust. so pure, so embarrassing. he never came over, i was dorky and awkward- he laughed about me with his friends. i bumped into him last year, he tried to kiss me. i slapped him. don't you love it when the tables turn?

3. SMASHING PUMPKINS- MAYONAISE. i love this boy to death. we are still friends. i would like to say good friends but i put so little effort into the friendship. he's pretty persistent. he listens to me, he makes me laugh endlessly. he's the most talented musician i have met in my life. he would be so much further in life if he only didn't get so distracted by the drinking, the drugs, the problems. what can i say? we're all human. i actually really do love him, as a friend, how awful.


4. RADIOHEAD- HIGH & DRY; THE USED- ON MY OWN; TEAMSLEEP/DEFTONES- anything at all. at the time, i felt like he was my first love. typically, he was about 3 years older than me. he was intelligent (deception, deception!), caring, talented, modest, quite cute. i was 16, naive at best. he led me on, broke my heart, denied it, got me into trouble with his girlfriend, etc. you know how it works. i heard that he packed on plenty of pounds recently so i'm feeling pretty much triumphant. in retrospect, i probably was in love with him.

5. HOPESFALL- THE BENDING. hardcore emo? you bet. this guy is married now. he was one of the most beautiful boys i had ever laid my eyes on. i was 17. he was 23. there was no chemistry. we ended up being friends on the most perverted level. he told me was a sex addict, needed help. i stopped talking to him. interestingly enough, he got fat as well.

6. This is a mini mixed tape. JACK'S MANNEQUIN- THE MIXED TAPE, anything by the MOVING UNITS, THE VELVET TEEN- STAY WITH ME, THE JULIANA THEORY- DON'T PUSH LOVE AWAY, ATHLETE-TOURIST, BROKEN SOCIAL SCENE- PITTER PATTER GOES MY HEART, COPELAND- TAKE CARE, ETC ETC ETC. my first real boyfriend. he was a pathological liar. i speak the truth. i was in love with him but he was too far away. we had a sprint of a relationship when we were 16. it lasted a month. rekindled when we were 19. lasted a year and a half. the distance and lies shred the love sharper than knives. disappointing. lying aside, the chemistry remains unparalleled. strange.

7. Oh, dear. I really loved this one. As Gwen sang, 'not only in love, i was obsessed..'..Our soundtrack would definitely include: FEIST-INTUITION, LALI PUNA- TOGETHER IN ELECTRIC DREAMS, AZURE RAY- RISE, DAFT PUNK-SOMETHING ABOUT US, BEE GEES- HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE, M83- SKIN OF THE NIGHT. there are so many other songs and yet nothing more i'd actually be comfortable enough to share.

8. FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND- SHE DROVE ME TO DAYTIME TV. That song isn't even appropriate. What can I say about this boy? Best looking boy on this list. Lived in England his whole life but is obsessed with China. Speaks Chinese. Is completely endearing. Used to send me messages telling me that he likes me, that he wants to see me. It never happened. I had hopes which eventually transformed into cynicism..can't say that I care about him at all anymore.

9. Strangely enough, Bon Jovi- Always.more importantly, THE WEAKERTHANS- PSLAMS FOR THE ELKS LODGE'S LAST; MIDLAKE - YOUNG BRIDE; I LOVE YOU BUT I'VE CHOSEN DARKNESS- YOUR WORST IS THE BEST; THE KILLERS- MR BRIGHTSIDE(JACQUES LU CONT REMIX). I was selflessly 'in love' with this one. I kind of changed my lifestyle for him-which he never knew..but he was too old, had too much experience for me to trust.


10. KINGS OF LEON- SEX ON FIRE, SLOW NIGHT/SO LONG, USE SOMEBODY. This boy. He's my age but he always seemed so much older on the one hand but on the other, he was the most childish junkie you would ever meet in your life. i'm not sure if he was ever aware that i had a irremovable soft spot for him, or if he was completely aware of it and decided to take full advantage of it. unilateral OVERWHELMING magnetic physical attraction. whatever. whilst everyone else at my university thought he was disgusting and dirty ( he didn't even go to my university..or any university!), i maintain that he was really, REALLY good company and charming..and oh so endearing. perhaps i give people the benefit of the doubt more than i should. although he pretty much treated me like a rotting door mat most of the time (apart from supplying cigarettes, umpteen bottles of wine, pizza on various occasions).. i miss him a lot, i do.. and wish we could just lay on our respective couches and watch dvds again.he's moved away now, as have i. i told him that i missed his company and he replied 'DITTO'. yes, cavalier is dead. or maybe i'm just attracted to top notch assholes.

11. RYAN ADAMS- LET IT RIDE
. if you are ever lucky enough to meet him, you will agree with me on the point that he is..STELLAR. he looks just like Paolo Nutini, only shamefully shorter but..prettier! he was such a darling. i think he wrote me songs, which i thought was cute and young...okay he was young. pedophilia begins!! we kept in touch for a couple of months, then he vapourised. as. per. fucking. usual. he had an amazing voice though. he was my peter pan and i was his wendy, how fucking cute. too ephemeral. i roll my eyes at the very thought these days.

12. I definitely saved the best for last. I developed this crush in my first year of university.. I have graduated now. I'm undertaking a post-graduate course in a different city now.. I haven't seen him for 1 year and 6 months.. and I still think about him a lot. fear not, it has not been constant.i'm not that loyal or.. pathetic(i hope).it's only when we are 'in contact' *god bless facebook*. needless to say, he has treated me worse than all the boys above combined and multiplied. yes, it does not make any sense. he makes me wish more than i should that attraction was more mutual than it was complicated and nonreciprocal..sad story of my life, you've heard it one too many times. he intrigues me. i think he is awkward, uncomfortable in his own skin..but he masks it well with callous arrogance. difficult to figure out. impenetrable. most of the time i think he was born without a heart, without the ability to feel anything. but that's just me being selfish and stupid-of course he feels..just not for me! unrequited lust, over and over and over again. well, how could i not fall head over heels for this boy...this is a selection of my favourite melodies (from the musical myriad we have shared):


anything by VOXTROT..its a mutual obsession; WILCO-JESUS,ETC; THE SMITHS- ASLEEP; MY BLOODY VALENTINE- I ONLY SAID; SONIC YOUTH- SHADOW OF A DOUBT; WASHED OUT-FEEL IT ALL AROUND; GRIZZLY BEAR-COLORADO...but most importantly:


THE UNICORNS- JELLYBONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



bah..


to conclude,

i'm pretty unfortunate in this division. stubbornly cynical at best.....i lie. hopeless romantic to the core if you break the wall..which explains why i love this endlessly:




Xxx

sciolizm



XO

sciozlim